Guilt
I am not a sociable person. When conversing with complete strangers i often end up losing topics to talk about and have an awkward silence. When conversing, i can not help being vulgar. Most of all i keep things to myself, thoughts, insights, perspectives and beliefs.
One of my weakest point is being forgetful. I easily forget simple tasks that were assigned to me, which is why i often end up being scolded by my mother. What i hate most about being scolded is that it is a losing battle. No matter what i do, i end up being the loser. Sure, people say that whenever you are being scolded it is a sign that your parents care for you and are only trying to do or teach what is best. I understand that statement clearly but what saddens me most is that my parents do not know who i truly am.
They say i am inconsiderate, most of the time i only care for myself. Well, at times perhaps i am inconsiderate but not most of the time. i too know how to feel, to be happy, sad, angry, frustrated and most of all guilty. Yesterday, i took the greatest blow of all.
Yesterday, i had a conflict whether to go home or find a place a crash for the night because it was getting late. My first thoughts were: the people at home are practically asleep so it would be incovinient for them to wake up just to fetch me. I tried talking to my mother about not going home and ended up making her angry. To cut the story short, my dad fetched me and i went home.
On my way home, certain thoughts went through my mind. What dominated it most that for the past few weeks, all i have been doing is make my mother angry. It hit me hard and painfully. I felt guilty that because of what i am doing, my parents are having a hard time. I felt unworthy to be called their son. When i got home, i went to my parents room and approached my mother. She was asleep but later on woke up to ask a few questions. After answering them, i went down, searched for a secluded place and wept.
I admit that to my parents, i appear as someone who is too laid back to take care of business. they even told me that perhaps when the time comes that they are already bed ridden they wouldn't last a month because i am too irresponsible. Well, just this once i can say that they're wrong. I know that when something has to be done, i rise to answer. Though my parents do not know of it, i treasure and care for them, which is why it saddens me whenever i see them angry because of my foolishness.
Some may find me silly, some may find me foolish, but this is who i am and who i will always be. Perhaps one day i may learn to be better.
One of my weakest point is being forgetful. I easily forget simple tasks that were assigned to me, which is why i often end up being scolded by my mother. What i hate most about being scolded is that it is a losing battle. No matter what i do, i end up being the loser. Sure, people say that whenever you are being scolded it is a sign that your parents care for you and are only trying to do or teach what is best. I understand that statement clearly but what saddens me most is that my parents do not know who i truly am.
They say i am inconsiderate, most of the time i only care for myself. Well, at times perhaps i am inconsiderate but not most of the time. i too know how to feel, to be happy, sad, angry, frustrated and most of all guilty. Yesterday, i took the greatest blow of all.
Yesterday, i had a conflict whether to go home or find a place a crash for the night because it was getting late. My first thoughts were: the people at home are practically asleep so it would be incovinient for them to wake up just to fetch me. I tried talking to my mother about not going home and ended up making her angry. To cut the story short, my dad fetched me and i went home.
On my way home, certain thoughts went through my mind. What dominated it most that for the past few weeks, all i have been doing is make my mother angry. It hit me hard and painfully. I felt guilty that because of what i am doing, my parents are having a hard time. I felt unworthy to be called their son. When i got home, i went to my parents room and approached my mother. She was asleep but later on woke up to ask a few questions. After answering them, i went down, searched for a secluded place and wept.
I admit that to my parents, i appear as someone who is too laid back to take care of business. they even told me that perhaps when the time comes that they are already bed ridden they wouldn't last a month because i am too irresponsible. Well, just this once i can say that they're wrong. I know that when something has to be done, i rise to answer. Though my parents do not know of it, i treasure and care for them, which is why it saddens me whenever i see them angry because of my foolishness.
Some may find me silly, some may find me foolish, but this is who i am and who i will always be. Perhaps one day i may learn to be better.
posted by darwin | 12:50 AM
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