another day, another time

Laro, Halubiro at Pagtuturo, Pagod na Masaya

2008-11-09T22:15:00.000+08:00

Hmm… ilang taon na rin ang nakalipas noong sumali ako sa organisasyon ko sa Ateneo. Nagsimula sa isang pangako na pagpasok sa kolehiyo, gagawa ako ng isang commitment, hindi ko alam kung ano ang mapapala ko sa commitment na iyon hanggang sa nakilala ko ang mga bata na magiging mga anak ko (drama hahaha).

Nagsimula ang pagtuturo ko tuwing sabado, ngunit nahirapan ako magising kaya lumipat ako sa ibang erya sa organisasyon namin. Ang bagong erya ko ay malapit lang sa unibersidad namin at kayang-kaya icommute, kaya naman walang ng mga excuse na, “hindi ako makagising e”. Pagkasimula ko sa bago kong erya, nagulat ako kung gaano kakulit ng mga bata. . grabe ang kulit sobra. Pagkababa na pagkababa pa lang sa erya, nag si takbuhan na sila papunta sa amin at kumakapit at nagpapasampan. . Lalaki talaga ang katawan mo doon sa kakabuhat ng mga bata, hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit hanggang ngayon payat pa rin ako hahahah

Sa mga oras na naroon ako sa erya namin, naranasan kong magmukhang tanga sa harap nila dahil walang hiya-hiya kung kumakanta ng making melodies, maging tagaawat tuwing may nag-aaway at maging kuya tuwing nagtuturo at kung may umiiyak na bata. Mga isang oras lang kami lagi naroon pero bago matapos ang araw sobrang lamog na kami. . mas lamog pa siguro sa tortang talong. . pero okay lang, kahit paano sobrang saya pa rin ng kakaibang pagkakataon na makasama ang mga bata na iyon. Isa pa, pakiramdam ko na kahit na nagtuturo kami, wala sila masyadong natutunan. Hindi ko sila masisisi dahil mga bata sila, dapat naglalaro at Masaya sila. Pinakaimportante sa akin, kahit paano naaalala nila kami at kahit paano kung naaalala nila kami, nagagampanan namin ang tungkulin naming making Christ a living reality.

Huling taon ko na ngayon para makasama na ang mga bata sa erya ko. Hindi na ako ang kuya na nagtuturo sa kanila ngunit isa na ako sa mga nagbabantay sa mga miyembro ng organisasyon namin. Kahit ano mangyari, pinakahinahanap-hanap ko pa rin talaga ang mga panahon na nagpapasampan sila at naglalaro kami ng kung ano-anong laro.

Sa kaunting laro at kaunting halubirol, makikilala ka nila ngunit sa pagtuturo at pagmamahal, makikilala mo sila at babalik ka uli para sasunod na linggo ng erya.

Prelude to the Finale, Formsem sickness and Back to the Gym

2008-10-31T22:21:00.001+08:00

Natapos rin ang isang semester ng paghihirap. Mga gabing walang tulugan, at mga araw na tadtad ng problema natapos rin ang thesis… *bow*
Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala kung pano namin ng kagrupo ko natapos iyon at nakakuha ng marka na B. . Kakaiba talaga. *para sa detalye ng mga paghihirap at iba pang mga dinaanan sa thesis, magpakwento na lang dahil napakahirap ilahad ang mga pangyayari*

Kamakailan lang, naganap ang huli naming formation seminar (ACIL) sa . . hmmm. . basta lampas ng Pranjeto sa Rizal ehehe di ko maalala yung eksaktong lugar. . .
Maayos yung nagamit namin na rest house ng isang alumni ng organisasyon namin. Malamig ang hangin ngunit mainit ang sinag ng araw. . at napakaraming langaw, pero okay lang, Masaya pa rin. Napansin ko lang na tuwing nagkakaroon kami ng formation seminar, nagkakasakit ako. Sa una naming formation seminar, ako ay nilagnat. Sa pangalawa naman, nagkaroon ako ng sore eyes. Hindi ako nakapunta sa pangatlo dahil tatlong camp ang napuntahan ko nung summer vacation kaya pinagbawalan na ako. Sa huling formation seminar, nagkaroon naman ako ng sore throat. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit tuwing meron kaming retreat, nagkakasakit ako. . .

Syempre dahil sem break namin, bumalik ako sa gym at natutunan ko na ang laki na ng hinina ko. . . Nakalagay sa record ng trainer ko na ang huling punta ko sa gym ay noong Hunyo pa at ngayon ay Oktubre na. . . Hindi ko na kaya buhatin ang mga nabubuhat ko dati. . pakiramdam ko ang lampa ko na sobra. . nakakabadtrip talaga hahaha. . sana bago magbalik sa pasukan, muli ko na makukuha ang dati kong lakas. :D

Sugar Poisoning, Blood Donating and Garlic Crying

2008-09-07T21:29:00.003+08:00

Matagal tagal na panahon na ang nakalipas noong huli akong nagsulat.. Senior na ako ngayon sa admu at hopefully makapag graduate ako kung maging maayos ang thesis(sana). Anyway, kamakailan lang, nakaranas ako ng tinatawag ko na sugar poisoning. Mapapaisip ka, ano nga ba ang sugar poisoning? Masasabi ko lang ay hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ng sugar poisoning. .

*araw bago nangyari ang sugar poisoning (friday night)*

Nung gabi bago ito nangyari, pumunta kami ng mga kabarkada ko sa gamecrab. Isa itong cafe kung saan pwede kayo maglaro ng gameboards na kakaiba, yun nga lang may bayad per hour ngunit sobrang nakaka adik ang mga laro. Balak ko sana magtipid kaya nag-order na lang ako ng bottomless iced tea at pagnatapos kami maglaro ng maaga, kakain ako sa Greenwich dahil may libreng meal ako. Napatagal ang laro at napadesisyon kong kumain na lang doon. Dalawang oras na ako umiinom ng iced tea bago ako kumain. . Bago kami matapos sa huling laro namin sobrang sabog na ng pakiramdam ko at kinabukasan pakiramdam ko may lagnat ako dahil nanginginig ako kahit na sobrang init ng katawan ko at sobra akong nahilo.. Ito ang mga epekto ng sugar poisoning. Buti na lang may lunas ito, uminom ng maraming tubig. .

*saturday*
Sa araw na nangyari ang sugar poisoning, pupunta dapat ako sa feu hospital para magdonate ng dugo dahil na dengue ang ama ng isa naming kaibigan. Pagdating namin sa hospital, nalaman ko na dadaan ka pala sa dalawang screening o interview bago ka talaga payagan magbigay ng dugo. Sa unang interview, tinanong ako ng doctor ng mga tanong at sa isang tanong, binawal na ako agad dahil nagpabunot ako ng ngipin nung nakaraang buwan. Bad trip talaga, dahil lang dun hindi ako nakapagbigay, buti na lang yung mga kasama ko approved. Habang naghihintay, nagtaka kami kung kaya ba na pagbinilisan mo yung pagpisil ng bola na ibibigay sa iyo, bibilis rin ang rate ng blood donating. Sinubukan ng isang kabarkada ko at ito ang sagot niya: posible ngunit darating ka sa punto na hihina ang pagpisil mo dahil nawawalan ka na ng dugo. . lesson learned: huwag maglaro pagnagbibigay ng dugo

*sunday*
Kanina lang nagkaroon kami ng isang dinner kasama si lola dahil grandmother's day o grandparents day ata. . Anyway, sa zensho kami kumain at ako ang nauna so nag-order na ako dahil buffet naman. Pagdating ng pamilya at lola ko, nagsimula na rin sila mag-order. Habang niluluto ang mga order nila, bigla ako napaluha, hindi ko alam bakit at pagtingin ko sa pamilya ko pati sila napapaluha na. . Ayun pala, yung katas ng bawang ay sobrang tapang dahil yung mga pagkain ay linuluto sa harap namin at umaabot ang katas ng bawang sa mata namin. . Lesson learned: sasunod siguraduhing malakas ang exhaust :D

Coming Soon For 2008

2008-08-27T22:09:00.001+08:00

Pagkatapos ng dalawang taon ng hindi nagsusulat. . malapit na :D

- surveys
- highlights and lowlights
- kwento-kwento

and more :D

Maling Akala

2006-08-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

Kamakailan lamang naalala ko ang mga pangyayari na napagkamalan ako bilang Koreano o G.I.( genuine intsik). Unang beses ko naranasan ito noong pumunta ako sa Makati noong huling taon upang maghanap ng sponsor para sa ACIL week. Kinakailangan kong pumunta sa Makati upang ibigay ang mga dokumento na pag-aaralan ng kompaniya. Hindi ko alam paano pumunta sa gusali doon sa Makati, ang nalalaman ko lamang ay paano mag commute papuntang Makati. Nagsimula ang aking biyahe sa bahay, nag tryk ako hanggang Broadway pagkatapos sumakay ako ng LRT hanggang Araneta-Center Cubao. Pagkadating sa Cubao, sumakay naman ako sa MRT hanggang Ayala... Dito ako napagkamalang Koreano.

Bumaba ako sa istasyon at nagtanong sa guwardiya kung paano pumunta doon sa patutunguhan ko (paumanhin, hindi ko na maalala kung ano ang eksaktong address ng lugar). Sabi ng guwardiya na madali lang makarating sa patutunguhan ko, kailangan ko lamang sumakay ng dyip. Noong panahon na iyon, hindi pa ako marunong mag dyip kaya nag taxi na lamang ako. Malakas ang swerte ko at nakatagpo ako agad ng taxi, pagkapasok ko binanggit ko ang patutunguhan ko ngunit iba ang sinasabi niya... Hindi kami nagkakaintindihan. Habang nakasakay, bigla niyang naalala kung saan ko nais pumunta at sa puntong iyon sinabi ko na doon nga ako pupunta.

* Habang nasa taxi ako, ang mga salita na ginamit ko lamang ay ang patutunguhan ko, at ang linggwahe na ginagamit ng driver ay english*

May narinig akong hingang malalim na malakas na nanggaling sa driver, habang nakasakay ako sa taxi, akala niya Koreano ako kaya talagang sinusubukan niyang mag english para magkaintindihan kami. Inamin niya sa akin na dumudugo na ang ilong niya sa kaka english buti na lang at hindi ako koreano.

Noong Huwebes naman, napagkamalan akong isang G.I.

Binalita sa akin ng magulang ko na kakain kami sa EDSA Shang dahil malapit na mag expire ang membership kaya susulitin na namin. Galing ako sa gym noon para marami ako makain. Nagcommute nanaman ako papuntang Shang, at dahil alam kong sasakay ako ng MRT naka bihis gym ako noong nakarating ako sa Shang. Na astigan ako pagdating sa Shangrila Plaza. First time ko nakakita ng inspection na ginagamit ang K-9, pinapa amoy na nila sa aso ang bag. Anyway, pagdating ko sa EDSA Shang nagbihis na ako. Nung patapos na ako magbihis, naghugas ako ng kamay at mayroon akong nakasalubong na tao, nag ingles siya "are you chinese?", tumingin lamang ako. Bigla niya sinabing "ni hao ma?", at sinabi ko naman, "marunong ako magtagalog". Akala niya siguro mukha akong G.I. . . .

Quote for the Day:
Be who you were born to be, live the way you were meant to live.

Crush

2006-07-26T21:45:00.000+08:00

Napansin ko na kamakailan lang, napag-usapan namin nina eds, joana, carlos at bodi ang tungkol sa crush. Dati, may set of definition na ako para dito pero ngayon umiba nanaman ang pananaw ko tungkol dito. Marahil dati, tingin ko sa crush ay: yung tipong masarap tingnan, hindi makausap pagkasama, out of your league etc. Well, naiba na yan ngayon dahil for some reason kaya ko na kausapin iilan sa mga crush ko hehe. Ang napansin ko lang ngayon e mayroong degrees ang crush. Isipin na lang natin na parang may aura sila. May ibang aura na sobrang tindi at hinding hindi mo makakausap yung crush mo. Yun lang yun actually.

Quote for the Day
Walang shy shy, kailangan strong

the new refined definition so far...

2006-06-01T00:35:00.000+08:00

according sa new refined definition on love ang current description dito is:

1. maganda na nga ang mundo lalo pang gumaganda.
2. kung malungkot ka at nakausap mo siya, unti-unting gumaganda ang araw muli.
3. hindi siya parang crush na maganda lang tingnan( balik sa #1)
4. kung malungko siya, malungkot ka rin

at yan na muna ang new refined definition on love according to dar... hanggang sa sunod kung may mga bagong definition o refining...

Quote for the Day:
love is when the entire world seems enveloped by darkness, then out of nowhere a light can be found shining and right there standing is the person your looking for.

Lesson for the Day

2006-05-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

Ilang araw ko na rin balak magluto ng bagong pagkain, balak ko sana gayahin yung napanood ko sa tv pero hindi ko maalala kung ano yung mga ingredients na ginamit. So, as usual nag experiment ako at gumawa ng sariling imbeto.

1/2 cup italian rice (in bigas form)
2 small bananas
1 cream (nasa lata)
3 teaspoon white sugar
and around 10-20ml olive oil

Aaminin ko na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa na perfect ang paggagawa ng italian rice, palaging "starch" ang lasa or hilaw pa ng konti. As you can see, sobrang experimental lang talaga yung ginawa ko. At first everything went smoothly in term of preparations tapos nung binuksan ko yung oven... muntikan na pumutok sa mukha ko.. and i mean it literally. For some reason hindi kong napansin na medyo funny looking yung oven and sabog yung fancy looking match (yung parang lighter na baril) so kailangang old school.. posporo gamit ko. Ang ayoko sa posporo is the fact na pakiramdam ko masusunog mga daliri o kamay ko pag yun yung ginamit ko pangsindi. Well hindi kamay ang masusunog kanina dapat.. mukha ko. Anyway, nagsimula na ako magluto at sa may gut feeling ako na mali ginagawa ko. Nalimutan kong lumagay ng mantika, kaya pala ayaw lumapot ng mixture. So continue na sa pagluluto, hinalo ko na lahat ng kailangan at nung tapos na ako binigyan ko ng "cold bath" yung food ko. Parang ang pro pakinggan pero sadly ako lang ang nasarapan at dahil ngang mga 12 ko na natapos wala na talaga kakain.

So there i was eating all alone, masarap kung sa masarap pero nakakabusog agad dahil sticky yung rice at dahil na rin sa asukal na hinalo ko sumakit ulo ko after... pakiramdam ko susuka ako any moment

Ang mga natutunan ko for the day:
1. 1/2 cup of uncooked rice = 2 cups of cooked rice
2. be careful with the oven
3. siguraduhin na ang lulutuin ay kayang ubusin
4. wag masyadong matamis ang lulutuin

Quote for the Day
learn and grow

Under Renovation

2006-05-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

hmm kailangan ko siguro ayusin ito... masyado atang "dull"... at dahil olats ako sa programming matagal-tagal itong pag-aayos =)

Trahediya

2006-03-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

Legend:
Achi = Older Sister/Ate
Ahiya/Shoti = Me
Shobe = Younger Sister

Matagal-tagal ko nang iniisip kung bakit ganito kaming magkakapatid, sa labas akala mo ang babait namin... akala mo magkasundo ko kami pero sa totoo lang wala talaga kaming sense of unity. Dati pa sinasabi ng nanay namin na dapat matuto kami magtulungan, oo gusto ko nga matuto kami magtulungan pero alam kong malabo mangyari iyon.

Dati, sinubukan ko mag-open up sa achi ko pero binale wala lamang niya sinabi ko. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, sinabi ko ng diretsuhan kung ano talaga ugali ng kapatid ko, yung ayaw ko sa ugali niya. Alam mo yung tipong sagot na pasok sa isang tenga labas sa kabila? Ganon response niya sa kin. Pag sinubukan ko namang mag-open up sa shobe ko pakiramdam ko pagtatawanan lang ako nun. Paano ba naman, sanay na kami sa mga kamalian ng isa't isa. Kadalasang hirit na nga namin e "E kasi ganon ka e" or "ganiyan ka naman e" at iba pang mga sabi sabi na ganon ang tunog. Kanina lang nanonood ako ng telebisyon, pagdating ng ate ko nag channel surf siya habang commercial, napanood siya ng The Insider habang ako nanonood ng UFC. Tapos na yung commercial break ng UFC at binalik ko na sa channel na pinapanood ko. Gusto pa rin ng achi ko manood ng The Insider dahil nakakaintriga ang mga hollywood topics ng show, pero gusto ko rin manood ng UFC. Iilang sandali lumabas na siya ng kwarto at bago pa tuluyang lumabas, narinig ko sinabi niya "ganiyan ka naman palagi e". Grabe talaga, sana naman paminsan tumingin rin siya sa salamin. May mga oras na gagawin ko talaga ang gusto ko at wala akong paki sa iba ngunit alam ko rin naman na paminsan ginagawa ko ano gusto nila, kahit na sapilitan. Nakakapeste talaga yung mga hirit na ganon, akala nila kilalang kilala mo na sarili mong kapatid pero tulad nga ng kasabihan "you haven't even begun to scratch the surface".

Kahit kailan hindi talaga namin maiintindihan ang ugali ng isa't isa. Achi ko short tempered habang shobe ko naman masyadong donya at ni isang beses hindi pa nakinig sa akin. Siguro imposible na nga mabuo ang unity sa aming mga magkakapatid pero nais ko pa ring paalamin na kahit paano mahal ko mga kapatid ko.

Meron akong gusto tawagin na outside and innerside image. Marahil outside image ko yung ma gago at walang pakialam na kapatid. Hirit nga lagi sa kin ng mga kapatid ko "bakit sa ibang tao hindi ka ganito?", siguro dahil na iyon sa outside image ko. Mahirap talaga ipakita ang innerside sa kanila e, dahil alam ko i eexploit lamang nila ito. Pero yung innerside, kakaunti pa lamang talaga ang nakakakita nito, hindi ko nga alam kung nakita na ba ito ng pamilya ko. Noong isang araw lamang, umalis kami kasama yung dating tutor namin. habang naguusap-usap kami, sinabi ko na ako yung tipong kapatid na kapag merong lalaking nagpaiyak o may ginawang masama sa kapatid ko, mag ingat ingat na yun dahil malalagot yun sa kin. Wala akong pakialam kung mas macho ba yung lalaki o mas mayaman basta... Sabi sa kin ng tutor ko, masaydo daw akong protective dapat pabayaan ko mga kapatid ko dahil "their old enough to handle themselves". Hindi ko siguro mapigilan yung instinct na protektahan mga kapatid ko. Kahit paano, kapatid ko sila at mahal ko sila. Ayokong palabasin na ako ang tama at mali ang dalawang kapatid ko. Paminsan naman talaga ako ang mali at oo aaminin ko na ibang tao ako kapag kasama ko mga kaibigan ko dahil alam ko na kaya ko talaga ipakita sa kanila kung anong klaseng tao ako. Kaya ko ipakita sa kanila ang innerside na hindi ko maipakita sa kapatid ko. Kaya ko ito gawin pag kasama mga kaibigan ko dahil alam kong hindi nilang pagtatangkang gamitin or exploit ang katauhan ko. May tiwala ako sa aking mga kaibigan dahil kung walang tiwala e di bakit ko pa sila tinawag na kaibigan? Kaya siguro noong high school meron laging tanong sa guidance "sino ang kaibigan mo na kaya mong sabihin kahit anong sikreto?"... Sana nga lang talaga sa sunod masasagot ko sa tanong na ito e " Dianne o Monica, mga kapatid ko"...

Quote of the Day
No matter how hard you try, there are somethings you can not avoid.

Kwentong XS: Bengay

2006-02-06T18:16:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko na talaga maalala kung sino nagdala ng bengay or sino may pakulo basta yung point... nabiktima halos lahat sa amin...

Mainit noong araw na iyon. Naaalala ko pa ang pagpatak ng pawis sa aming mga mukha. Kakatapos pa lamang ng PE namin, kaya yung iba sa amin masakit ang katawan. Doon ko nakita ang bengay... Sa una nahiya pa ako, pero bumigay rin ako... sa una halos walang epekto ang bengay pero habang tumatagal nakakapaso ang init... pagkatapos ng lunch break may meron kaming 10 minutes para makabalik sa aming mga silid. Habang naghihintay kaming buksan ang pinto, nagsimula ang lagim ng bengay... Habang hindi kami tumitingin, isa-isa kaming sinampal sa batok. Syempre, pagsinampal ka sa batok ng bagay na hindi mo alam, agad mo itong tatanggalin. Pero sa oras na subukan mo itong tanggalin lalo lang lumalala. Pagpasok ng guro namin sa silid, lahat kami tulog sa mga upuan... nabiktima na kami ng bengay... sa samang palad pa, pinagalitan kami ng guro namin dahil amoy na amoy niya ang bengay...

Quote of the Day:
Sometimes starting something isn't really a good idea.

Walking down rainy nights

2006-01-31T18:34:00.000+08:00

Paminsan hindi kong mapigilang biglang tumahimik at magmuni-muni sa mga iba't ibang pangyayari sa isang araw. Marahil isa na ito sa aking mga habit. Ngayon, naaalala ko ang mga gabing naglalakad ako mag-isa, pauwi mula sa paaralan... Nababagabag ako sa mga pangyayari na nakapagpalungkot sa akin o para sa aki'y nararapat pahalagahan at bigyan ng pagmuni-muni.

Naaalala ko kamakailan lang, nais ko sana sumakay sa shuttle pauwi dahil pagod na ako sa kakalakad. habang papunta sa Xavier Hall kasama isang kaibigan, may tumawag sa aking cellphone. Sinagot ko at narinig ang tinig ng aking bunsong kapatid. Problemang nakaraan na ang paksa ng usapan namin... Problemang noon ko pang inasikaso. Nang tumagal ang usapan, sinabi ko na ibigay ang telepono sa aking nanay. Hindi ko matanggap sa usapan namin na pinagagalitan niya ako dahil hindi ko sa kaniya pinaalam na hanggang Enero ang huling singil ng gym. Pinaalam ko sa kaniya na noon ko pa sinabi ang tungkol dito, ngunit napagalitan pa rin ako. Buong Enero ni isang beses hindi ako nakapag gym. May mga panahon na nais kong pumunta at mag-ehersisyo ngunit wala talaga akong oras, maraming ginagawa sa paaralan. Oo, tanggap ko na mali nga at nagsusunog ako ng pera, pera ng aking inay. Bago niya babain ang telepono, naramdaman ko na sa tono na pagagalitan ako muli pagkarating ko sa aming bahay.

Naglakad ako pauwi, sa patak ng ulan, sa mga patak ng kalungkutan. May hawak hawak akong payong noong mga oras na iyon ngunit pinili kong maglakad sa ulan. Siguro mas pinagagaan ng ulan ang aking loob, lalong hinahanda ako sa mga haharapin kong pauwi...

Nakarating ako sa amin, wala ang ngiti sa aking mukha, wala ang saya sa aking puso. Kalungkutan ang naghahari noong gabing iyon. Ang hindi ko maintindihan sa lahat, hindi binuhos ng nanay ko ang kaniyang nararamdamang galit. Kakaiba talaga ngunit alam kong mayroon siyang nais sabihin sa akin, marahil isa nanamang sermon. Pero sa mga oras na iyon, walang nangyari... Hindi na niya ako pinagalitan. Kung iisipin ko ngayon, bakit kaya't hindi na ako pinagalitan? Sawa na ba siya ka kakasermon ng paulit ulit?... Siya lamang ang may alam sa sagot. Lalo akong nalungkot sa mga oras na iyon, tanggap ko ang aking kasalanan ngunit hindi ko makayanang makitang naghihirap ang aking mga magulang dahil sa akin. Gusto kong baguhin ang aking katauhan ngunit hindi ko magawa. Alam kong kung nanaisin ko, magagawa ko kahit anong bagay, ngunit tuwing nanaisin kong baguhin ang aking sarili palagi na lang may pumipigil sa akin. Ngayon, sinusubukan kong muli magbago tungo sa masmabuting katauhan, sana lamang sa sunod mabago ko na ang sarili ko ng lubusan.

Umuulan noong gabing iyon, ngunit may apoy na nagpapainit noong gabing iyon.

Quote of the Day:
The rain may fall and wash me clean, but in the end leave me cold and weak.

Bad Omen and Miracles

2006-01-25T22:40:00.000+08:00

Today something strange happened, it is hard to explain but somehow amazing. Awhile ago at our formation session we discussed certain topics about satan and how we perceive him. For me, i perceived satan as an extra shadow, one which we may never realize how big or small he grows. In any case, he acts by using my fear against me... Fear of doing the right thing. While we were meditating, i slowly reached for my glasses. As i was about to touch it, it suddenly shattered. I was surprised, perhaps it meant something, something dark, something sinister... A plot to test my faith. After our FS we headed for Mcdo but i had a slight detour at starbucks. It was there that i realized that i lost my credit card. Suddenly rush of thoughts entered my mind... Fear and anxiety were beginning to overwhelm me. I tried to recall where i had misplaced it but could not find it. On our way home i dropped by T. Morato to check if i left it there, but it was nowhere to be found. When i got home i still searched frantically for it but to no avail. I had to admit and confess to my mother what happened... I had to face the consequences of my action and fault. Then something happened, after telling my mother what happened she did not get angry. Perhaps this is my reward for trusting in the Lord. Like i always say " God does not give us tasks we can not accomplish".

Quote of the Day:
Trust on the Lord with all your heart...

Coming Soon For 2006

2006-01-23T02:56:00.000+08:00

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nagsusulat... Ang dami ko nais sabihin pero wala akong oras... hopefully within the next few weeks mabuhos ko na lahat ng mga naisip ko for the past few months...

Some of the stories/ideas/pondering/questioning/reflecting/etc. would include:
- Kwentong XS: Bengay
- Bata: Miracle or Disaster
- Mga Biyahe sa Ilalim ng Buwan
- At Marami pang Iba

Well ito pa lang so far pumapasok sa utak ko... Midterms na in 14 hours and counting... tisk tisk wala pa ako naaalala sa mga previous lessons.. :(

Quote For the Day:
God does not give us tasks we can not accomplish... If i concede now, then i do not trust God.

Guilt

2005-12-17T00:50:00.000+08:00

I am not a sociable person. When conversing with complete strangers i often end up losing topics to talk about and have an awkward silence. When conversing, i can not help being vulgar. Most of all i keep things to myself, thoughts, insights, perspectives and beliefs.

One of my weakest point is being forgetful. I easily forget simple tasks that were assigned to me, which is why i often end up being scolded by my mother. What i hate most about being scolded is that it is a losing battle. No matter what i do, i end up being the loser. Sure, people say that whenever you are being scolded it is a sign that your parents care for you and are only trying to do or teach what is best. I understand that statement clearly but what saddens me most is that my parents do not know who i truly am.

They say i am inconsiderate, most of the time i only care for myself. Well, at times perhaps i am inconsiderate but not most of the time. i too know how to feel, to be happy, sad, angry, frustrated and most of all guilty. Yesterday, i took the greatest blow of all.

Yesterday, i had a conflict whether to go home or find a place a crash for the night because it was getting late. My first thoughts were: the people at home are practically asleep so it would be incovinient for them to wake up just to fetch me. I tried talking to my mother about not going home and ended up making her angry. To cut the story short, my dad fetched me and i went home.

On my way home, certain thoughts went through my mind. What dominated it most that for the past few weeks, all i have been doing is make my mother angry. It hit me hard and painfully. I felt guilty that because of what i am doing, my parents are having a hard time. I felt unworthy to be called their son. When i got home, i went to my parents room and approached my mother. She was asleep but later on woke up to ask a few questions. After answering them, i went down, searched for a secluded place and wept.

I admit that to my parents, i appear as someone who is too laid back to take care of business. they even told me that perhaps when the time comes that they are already bed ridden they wouldn't last a month because i am too irresponsible. Well, just this once i can say that they're wrong. I know that when something has to be done, i rise to answer. Though my parents do not know of it, i treasure and care for them, which is why it saddens me whenever i see them angry because of my foolishness.

Some may find me silly, some may find me foolish, but this is who i am and who i will always be. Perhaps one day i may learn to be better.

Random Thought: Help

2005-11-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

If i know that I can do something to help someone then why would i deny it? If i know that i could give something to save someone then why would i deny it? Perhaps it is because of the fear that i may lose something... then again if I deny something i know i can do, then i deny myself and am unworthy

LRT Nightmare

2005-10-09T17:49:00.000+08:00

Last friday was the last week for classes because next week would be finals. We had a long test in filipino and basically after that i was free to go home and prepare for finals. Before i went home, i dropped by the ACIL space just to kill some time because it was still early. Around 3pm i decided to go home and commute along with two friends, Vicente and Eds. They were headed for Araneta Center-Cubao while i was headed for Gilmore. When we reached Araneta Center-Cubao, i told them that they have arrived at their destination (hindi ata nila namalayan, muntikan pa maiwan). When they left i was left alone to ride the lrt. I was holding at a post because it was pretty crowded. Later on i noticed two students (a boy and a girl) occupy the same post i was holding onto. It was ok at first, they were having casual conversations but later on things started to get freaky. In the middle of the journey from station to station, the male student's head was slowly brushing at my hand.

Personal Note: pucha hindi ba niya napapansin na tumatama na ulo niya sa kamay ko?

At that point it was still bearable because the lrt was a little unstable and made casual brakes but later on... ibang usapan na e... On the last station journey headed for Gilmore, i noticed that not only his head was brushing against my hands but his ears were already brushing too... Pucha nangingilabot na talaga ako sobra, tenga na yung sumasampal sa kamay ko hindi pa rin niya napansin!? The moment i reached Gilmore i made a run for it and exited as quickly as possible... i no longer wanted to stay and see what would happen if i stayed longer...

Quote of the Day:
Life in not a one laned journey, it is meant to be taken with friends so that if you should encounter an emergency they'd be there to help you.

Visions or Just Damn Dreams

2005-10-01T18:59:00.000+08:00

Last night it had not occur to me that i would have to wake up in the middle of the night because of the heat. For a couple of minutes i was just lying in bed dazed, wondering how i could fall into sleep again. With desperation creeping in, i turned on the air con and finally got into sleep... and then it happened...

i was in a familiar looking place... it was on the third floor and it was a very big building. Something was going on in one of the rooms while the rest seemed oblivious to the event... i tried to see what was happening... there was person holding a shotgun slowly shooting one student after another... then as i looked further on there she was among those who were about to become a victim... i could not just stand and watch any further, i had to do something to stop this massacre... with enough courage i called upon the gunner and tried to get his attention... this gunner then called my name and started to go after me.. slowly, as if i was an animal on the run... i hid in one of the classrooms... he started calling my name slowly growing more and more hostile... he started to threaten that if i would not show myself then he would then have to finish her... with no other choice i had to reveal myself but i know i can not surrender... i jumped from behind, trying to strangle and disarm him... he pushed us into the ledge and we both fell... it no longer mattered if i survived the fall or not as long as she's ok i know everything will be fine..since it was a dream, i survived the fall and slowly trekked the steps all the way to the third floor and into the room where she is... when i reached the place i saw her, staring into nothingness.. i approached and asked "ok ka lang"...slowly i could see the tears welling up in her eyes... then she began to cry... i hugged her to try to comfort her at the same time saying "everything will be alright.. wag ka magaalala hindi kita pababayaan... poprotektahan kita kahit kailan"...

Then i woke, with what i was thinking to have tears on my eyes...

Yes, sometimes i indeed wonder if this dream has any significant meaning... in the past i have only dreamed of falling in roof tops, being consumed by the darkness and other ghastly horrors, slowly tormenting me... but this time it was different, i dreamed of doing something for someone. It did not matter if i die, as long as i know in the end i can protect her from harm, but then again it was only just a dream.. nothing but a figment of my imagination.. or is it?

Quote of the Day:
it does not matter whether you win or lose as long as everyone is happy, everything will be alright.

Coming Soon...

2005-09-26T20:01:00.000+08:00

More of Kwentong XS...
Kwentong ADMU???...
Random thought, random sight for the random day...
and more...

Quote of the Day:
Patience is a virtue.

Confession: is it really enough for Atonement? for Redemption? for Salvation?

2005-09-24T13:34:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, a lot of things happened some of which still cling into my mind.. puzzling me, questioning my beliefs and perspective. After the usual classes, i headed right away to the ACIL space to start with the souvenir for the kids. When i arrived a lot of the members were amused with the merchandise i brought. After awhile me, bodi and ivy started working with the bracelets. If i had only met them both before our project i'm sure we could have earned a lot of money :D...

After making around 15-20 bracelets we headed for the area right away. At first i was puzzled to see that all of the kids were missing... it was like, they all disappeared. After searching for quite some time, we were told that the kids were at a party. We headed for the party and found some of them. On our way back, the kids started to appear again... as if they were popping out of thin air. The next thing i know, we were back in the air making a head count and deciding who to give and who would be given next time. I left all of the decision making to Bodi and later on he told me that for the first time he felt power. Before we left the area, i had to make sure that i got the names of those who were not yet given, after that we left the area.

After area it was time to watch kat's and other people from lfc's movie. For some strange reason, kat's film was shown first. At first it was really ok but later on, after the "disturbing" scenes something struck me, like a thought that would not fade... I began to ask myself is confession really enough to purge us from our sins?

this question began to ponder in my mind, asking, seeking, wanting to find an answer. I mean, if we commit a minor offense, surely it can be easily forgiven... but what about more grave affairs, will confession solve the problem? For one thing, there are things that can be forgiven and can never be forgiven. So what then if we commit an act that can no longer be forgiven? Are we then condemned for all eternity...

Too many questions, too few answers... Maybe i should just consult with a priest or counselor to get this over with. With papers due in the coming week, I should concern myself with more pressing matters.. Let the questions "go" for now, study first ponder next time :)

Quote of the Day:
If you're going to do something, do it with a heart.

Sand Castle, Rose Garden and Moonlight Tears

2005-09-07T21:46:00.000+08:00

Sand Castle
Towering over the mighty shore,
Gazing past the distant horizon,
The enemy is approaching the gate,
Fortify the fort, the tide is coming.

Rose Garden
How i wish to see the garden,
Dance and sway along the roses,
Fall in love with merry moments,
Lie and gaze at the starry night.

Moonlight Tears
This night the light is bright,
The moon so high tonight,
These tears i shed tonight,
A love i lost this night.

Quote of the Day:
God does not give tasks we can not accomplish.

LiveSTRONG…Floating Shrimp Shells…Walking down all the way to 7/11…

2005-08-22T21:29:00.000+08:00

Today nalimutan ko dalhin ang aking dakilang ID. Napansin ko lamang ito nung nasa Ateneo na kami. In desperation, naghiram ako ng strap sa ate ko just in case para naman meron akong props. The way I see it… bagay dahil meron pa akong baller band na suot suot at ang nakasulat pa ay LIVESTRONG. So I took it literally, I tried to live strong by avoiding the guards as much as I can, and natutuwa akong sabihin na hindi ako nahuli. But hindi ko pa rin matatalo ang record ng friend ko… 1 month walang ID at once lang nahuli, now that is living strong!!!
Habang naglalakad na ako papunta sa Gate 1 ng Ateneo, dahil sabi ng mga friend ko na uulan ng malakas at baka maabutan ako, napansin ko kung gaano kainit today. Nagdududa na ako kung uulan ba talaga and it was at that moment na nakakita ako ng mga balat ng hipon na lumulutang sa puno. Naaliw ako grabe, ang tigas nung mga langgam, binubuhat nila yung balat pataas. Medyo nakakakilabot pero aliw pa rin tingnan…
Pagkadating ko sa station, inisip ko kung gagana pa ba ang aking card dahil for some reason na switch ko ata. Pagkasaksak sa machine *beep* bad trip nag error… ibig sabihin na switch ko nga at hindi miracle ang nangyari tulad ng inaakala ko. Kinailangan ko pang magbili ng bago, but that’s that. On my way home, napag-isipan kong maglakad pauwi, wala lang, trip lang. Ok naman ang daanan, hindi ganiyan ka dangerous tulad ng naglalakad ng mga 1am at sa tapat ng tulay ay may mga taong nakatitig sayo at may hawak-hawak na crowbar at machete(to be explained next time). Habang naglalakad ako, for the first time napansin ko ng mabuti yung worn down, mukhang haunted house sa kanto ng broadway at 11th street. Grabe first time ko napansin na meron pa pala yun art ng mga priest sa taas ng pinto, may guard outpost (yung kamukha ng sa castle) at may gargoyles sa side ng roof… so after walking for around 20 min. nakarating rin ako sa amin. Medyo pissed ako na ang init ng journey ko pauwi but later I realized na maswerte pala ako. After a few minutes as in iilang saglit lamang it started to rain at sumilang kumidlat at kumulog… nonstop. Para dun sa mga nagbabala sa akin na umuwi na, maraming salamat… kahit ako hindi ko kayang i LIVESTRONG ang ulan na ganon ka lakas.

Quote of the Day:
God makes things happen for a reason, maybe that is the reason why I met you.

Kwentong XS: The Boy Who Lived

2005-08-10T19:47:00.000+08:00

*Note: Kung sino man tinutukoy ko dito, walang personalan, i'm just telling what happened*

Nalimutan ko na kung pang-ilang quarter nagkaroon kami ng swimming sa PE. Since feeling strong nanaman ako, sinadya ko na mapunta ako sa advance na swimming, kung alam ko lang gano ka hirap hindi na ako sana pumunta sa advanced group ng class. But ang kwento na ito ay hindi tungkol sa akin, its about one of my classmate na palaging minamalas. Hindi rin clear ang entire story na ito sa akin dahil nung time na iyon naiwan ko ata PE bag ko or nagloloko ako sa deep pool. Kung tutuusin hindi ko nakita ang nangyari, nakwento lang sa akin ng isang kasama namin. This is how it happened:
Habang naglalangoy siya, nagsisid siya... and since maiksi lang ang width ng pool kaya ito gawin sa isang breathing. for some reason habang naka sisid siya nakapikit ang kaniyang mga mata, so nung malapit na siya sa kabila *poof* nabangga siya sa gutter ng swimming pool. minutes later nadala na siya sa infirmary ata para makita yung injury.

The next day, may malaking bandage siya sa bibig and a few days later tinanggal na niya iyon. nung nakita ko yung sugat or "mark" sa bibig niya medyo familiar itsura sabi ko sa sarili. then it struck me, kamukha nung kay Harry Potter, as in mukhang lightning talaga.

A few weeks later, pakiramdam ko nakarma ako sa ginawa ko. since tapos na ang practical test namin, free time kaya pwede namin gawin kahit ano gusto namin sa pool wala lang "rough games". at first everything was going ok, pero later naghahabulan na ang mga kaklase ko. nung time na iyon, nakaupo lang ako sa may gutter area dahil pagod na ako sa kakalangoy then bigla akong tinulak. napaikot ako once, tumama sideways sa gutter at nahulog sa pool. at first hindi ako makalangoy sa sakit at akala nila malulunod na ako, so they jumped to the rescue kaagad. pagtingin ko sa tama, nagmukhang hinampas ako ng arnis stick sa rib area as in parang merong internal bleeding. being the good friend hindi ako chu-chu so its alright, no biggie.

Quote of the Day:
there is always beauty in simplicity.

Kwentong XS: Hindi Ako Tanga!

2005-08-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

Nangyari ito nung 4th year na kami. tendency, ang tambayan namin either nasa MPC banda or nasa "alley". one day dahil wala kaming magawa napatitig kami sa bush na nakahilera sa alley. for some strange reason, at hindi ko na talaga maalala kung paano namin ito naisip, napag-isipan naming tumalon sa bush. not the typical jump pero yung parang stunt na meron pang tumbling. as usual nauna sa amin si glenn, also known as the boy who lived(malalaman ninyo why in the succeeding stories), and yes successful siya with his jump and tumbling. sumunod sa amin si gar and yes successful rin siya. nung time na yun apat lang kami nasa alley, si glenn, gar, ako at si sanvic. since feeling strong ako, ginawa ko rin ang ginawa nila. ngunit there is always a difference between strong and feeling strong. so nung tumalon ako at first ang cool ng feeling pero pagkalanding ko hindi ko nagawa yung tumbling kaya nagasgas ako sa lupa... to help you visualize think of a jet ski, sa tulin ng jet ski medyo tumatalon yun sa tubig, parang ako nung naglanding ako. at first ok lang ako, but after 10 mins pakiramdam ko na gut punch ako ng ilang tao. with 3 of us done with our stunt, iisang tao na lang ang natitira.. si sanvic na lang ang hindi tumatalon. nung lahat kami nakatitig na sa kaniya, humihintay sa gagawin niyang talon ito ang mga famous words niya na hindi ko talaga malilimutan.. "hindi ako tanga". with that statement, nakatakas siya sa kaniyang stunt and now nagagamit ko na ang statement niya each time alam kong:
1. may hamon na hindi ko kaya panalunin.
2. may gagawing katarantaduhan na ayoko madamay.
3. and lastly kung may nalinlang sa isang kalokohan.

Quote of the Day:
life is like a wave of dream.. so soon they come gushing into the shore, so soon they gush out back into the abyss.

Kwentong XS: Ang Panimula

2005-08-03T20:06:00.000+08:00

Dahil wala ako lately magawa... naalala ko ang mga kalokohan ko at ng mga kabarkada ko noong nasa XS pa kami.
*Note: ang mga ilalahad ko ay walang ganap na order. kung ano ang pumasok sa utak o naalala ko, iyon na rin ang ikekwento ko.*
Sa edition na ito, intro muna. sasabihin ko lang sino mga palagi kong kasama para naman pag nabanggit ko mga pangalan nila hindi malabuan ang mga mambabasa(kayo yun).
more or less lahat ng kaibigan ko may litrato, so refer na lang sa friendster kung gusto niyo sila makita. ito na ang line up ng mga kasama ko usually nung HS:
Gar
Wilson
Madrid
Derv
Edrich
Sanvic(Jonty)
Glenn
Myron

Sa pagkaalam ko sila na ang usually kasama ko. kung nay nakalimutan idadagdag ko na lang sasunod.

Quote of the Day:
memories are always there to remind you who you once were.

Living in an Empty Husk that Keeps on Growing

2005-08-01T12:39:00.000+08:00

Last night i happen to watch Brother Bear on Disney Channel. Then while i was watching i could not help but realize that tears were slowly forming in my eyes. No matter how much i tried to hold back, i could no longer keep it inside me. Then just awhile ago, a kid selling sampaguita approached me and tried to sales talk me into buying one. i for one do not usually buy those kind of things anymore, but deep inside i felt pity for the kid. So on the way home, i took a ride on memory lane trying to recall who i was.

The memories kept gushing like a tide, slowly consuming me.

The memories started to appear one by one. When i was in high school i tried to be the person who would sort out my friends problems. i was the one who would try to convince them not to do something or something is wrong. it was i who would always have to pay the price in the end. after the problem has long gone, i would start feeling that the outcome was my fault. what if i had not meddled in their affair, would everything be alright?

Not everything lasts forever...

Eventually who i have been started to fade. my decisions, my actions and my values were no longer the same as it had been when i was in High School or even in Grade School where i first felt betrayal and loneliness.

I'm fading into the darkness, slowly getting lost but suddenly a sparkle of light shines

It was only recently that i am slowly recalling who i really am. Remembering how my ethics would try to find the right answer. Remembering how in the end, i would feel lonely inside but at the same time happy because i know that i am fulfilling my duty to my friends.

Even butterfiles were once ugly...

So, now i have reason to believe that i am returning to who i was before, at the same time growing into someone new. No longer am i the same person who would sit back and watch everybody enjoy. No longer am i the same person who could keep everything inside. This time i have learned how to grow, how to change, how to be who i really am. Just like the tides that come and go, with each passing tide something new adds up the once empty sands.

Quote of the Day:
even a rock knows how to cry if the pain inside is too much to bear.

Summer Job 3 (Last Edition... siguro)

2005-07-31T21:48:00.000+08:00

kanina ko lang naalala yung tungkol dito. nasa gateway ako kasama mga kabarkada ko para kumain ng lunch. surprisingly kahit na malapit na mag 1:00pm ang dami pa ring tao. so naghanap kami agad ng upuan dahil marami ring naghahanap. nung nakahanap na kami, naghintay muna kami nung isang kabarkada ko habang yung iba bumili. nung turn na namin napaalala sa kin ni derv(co-worker/kabarkada) yung tungkol sa spoon dispenser(paumanhin.. hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang pangalan nung machine na iyon).
*flashback nung summer job*
yes there was a time na kahit yung dispenser nagamit namin para sa aming mga kalokohan. after a few a hard day's work, pumunta kami agad sa canteen para kumain. yung isa pang kasama namin, si wilson(kabarkada ko rin), linagay isang kamay sa carinderia area at ang kabila naman sa dispenser and *poof* na ground siya. at first hindi ako makapaniwala pero nung sinubukan ko *poof* na ground rin ako. pagpatak ng immersion ng class namin *devilish laugh* sinigurado naming maranasan rin nila yung experience at least once.
at diyan nagtatapos ang kwento tungkol sa summer job *bow*

Quote for the Day:
when everything seems wrong and there is nowhere left to go, I'll be there at your side, to make sure everything is alright.

Summer Job Part 2

2005-07-28T18:20:00.001+08:00

Today i continue my experience at the SM Supermarket, the struggles, the joys and becoming a father for a few days. yes, its true, naging tatay ako for one week siguro. this started when we encountered an auction within the employees. they were selling cereals for the price of at least 40php per box. utilizing the opportunity, my friends bought a lot and just to try it, we decided to eat it for breakfast at the market. in order to do so, we needed to buy milk. during our break, we went to the market and bought milk and once the milk was finished we bought other flavors just to try it out. with the frequent buying of the milk, one day while i was buying the security guard asked why i constantly bought milk and my friends told her that "para sa anak niya". the following day, while i was working some of the baggers approached me and asked "may anak ka na?". hearing this, i was shocked and it only meant one thing.. pinagtripan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. but thats all right, at least masaya pa rin.

*Today, ako ang dakilang kamote sa Math =(*

Quote of the Day:
we all exist for a purpose, my purpose is to be your friends.

Summer Job

2005-07-27T19:57:00.000+08:00

today i seem to have recalled my summer job at SM Supermarket in Megamall. it lasted 5 weeks but before official work there was of course training...
our training was held at SM Makati, surprisingly during the first training session.. nasabon ako agad ng customer. this is how the conversation went:
customer:boy baka pwedeng i doble yung plastic mabigat kasi.
me: sir bawal po i doble ang plastic kung gusto mo hatiin ko na lang ang bigat
customer: o sige sige
* after dividing the weight load*
customer: paki doble naman, baka masira
me: sir bawal po.. may extra charge kung idodoble ko yung plastic
customer: ano!? tawagin mo ang manager mo...

Ang saya ng first day ko grabe :) after that we had a role playing on how would we react if a customer would approach us asking for some item. i recall one person say this during the role play: "sir, ano ba problema ninyo?"

Yes, those were the days indeed when working was fun at the same time tiring. in times like those, we would eat nerds to revitalize ourselves. we sure were hyper but the moment we carried heavy loads of grocery, the sugar rush would quickly wear off and we'd be very weak.
In the end, it was worth it; we got our salary which would mean more funds for the summer.

Quote for the Day:
When a customer starts to rant or get angry just smile and say " yes Ma'm/Sir"... it usually works

Innovation or Evolution

2005-07-25T21:16:00.000+08:00

awhile ago, i was walking at shoppersville to get my glasses. after acquiring it, i headed to the tiangge area to go out. while i was walking, some pedestrian suddenly asked "dvd?". knowing that this was more or less a custom there i simply swayed my head saying no. this brings back memories when viramall was still alive.
back then they were just hangin at the stair area or the escalator and waited for their customers. when someone would come near them they would go "dvd, vcd", and whenever you would ignore them they would resort to saying "x, x".
that was back then, a month ago i was amazed at what i heard when i was theatre mall walking with a friend. while we were both talking, somebody approached us and said enthusiastically "hello my friend! would you like some dvd?". once again, we ignored the person and as a last resort within sounds reach he said the magic word "x?". with that it was clearly seen how things have truly changed. i no longer know if they are getting more innovated or evolving their techniques...

Quote for the day:
God does not hate you, he's just messing with you =)
- the meager

twice in less than a month? or once a month?

2005-07-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

i could not recall the exact date that i broke my glasses the first time. all i remembered was that me and my friend were on our way to the Moro Lorenzo when the accident happened. we got on a tricycle, we hit a very big bump, and *poof* my glasses were broken. my grade is merely 25/25 but without them, my world starts spinning around. the try outs was not a success, and that sunday i had it repaired for around 200+.
the second time happened this afternoon while i was playing with some kids i just met(Note: today first day ko sumali sa weekly activities ng acil). we played "agawan" base... there was some running... and then *poof* i broke my glasses again. after the event i went to greenhills to have it repaired. this time it cost me around 900+. with my allowance dwindling to nothingness, i resorted to use the credit card... it was the only way.

Lesson for the Day:
when engaging in physical activities, make sure to keep your glasses in a very safe place.